Oooh fuuudge!

"Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!"

That's right--it's Christmas time. Even though we all want to be Scrooge's and sit around bitching about gift buying and family visiting, you know we'll just sit by a warm fire on one of our many vacation days off and watch, yet again, one of the million, late-night-insomniac showings of "A Christmas Story" while eating one of many various seasonal treats like the following. That's what Christmas is really all about; it's a time for relishing in prosaic memories and pastimes with Ralphie or Rudolph. Fudge! the holidays--rejoice its desserts.

The recipe:

5 c. sugar
1 1/3 sticks butter
1 can milk
---------
1 1/2 pkgs. semi-sweet chocolate chips
2-3 c. pecans
1 jar marshmallow cream
1 tsp. vanilla

In a large and heavy sauce pan, stir sugar, butter, and milk on med, med-high heat with a metal spoon--stir constantly. Once the liquid begins to bubble, set a timer and continue to boil/stir for 8 minutes exactly (you don't want it to be turning brown). Immediately, turn off the burner and stir in marshmallow cream and vanilla. Once melted, stir in chocolate chips then pecans. Pour into buttered glass casserole dishes (either 9X13 or two smaller ones). Let cool completely, cut into 1 1/2-inch squares, then refrigerate.

Queso Camarones

Oooo... it's getting cold out there--even in sunny LA. Why don't you warm yourself up with a bowl of this Southern/Cajun treat? It's no salad or rice cakes, in terms of 2000/cal/day diet. But you'll sleep well and fill out those jeans that were getting loose.

In a thick, large stock pot, saute on about 2 cups of sliced mushrooms, 1 sliced green pepper, 1 c. chopped celery, and 1/2 c. chopped green onions in a few tablespoons of butter until they're all a little soft.


Toss in about 1.5 pounds of peeled/deveined shrimp and season with salt, pepper, garlic, seasoned salt, and some kind of cajun seasoning--you should have one by now. Cook until shrimp is almost done.


Turn heat to low and add 1 can cream of mushroom soup, 1 can Rotel (diced tomatoes/green chilies), 1 can milk, and about a half block (8-12 oz.) of Velveeta (aka plastic). Stir until cheese is melted.


Serve over white rice.

Blonde Brownie

It's like a giant chocolate chip cookie but better. I took these to school one year in elementary school as birthday treats for the class. I saved a corner for my teacher who didn't eat with us and had to hang onto it all through recess, but I needed to kiss that ass. By the end of recess, it looked like somebody took a dump in a ziploc. So I made a friend try to give it to the teacher, but she refused. She obviously didn't know how great it was... bitch.

The recipe:

1 c. butter (soft)
1 c. brown sugar
1 c. white sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla

Mix well, then add:
2 c. + 4 Tbsp. flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. soda
1 c. pecans (optional)
12 oz. pkg. semi-sweet chocolate chips

Bake at 350 in 9X13 pan for 30 minutes.

Make Your Own Damn Pizza!

I'm not gonna hide the fact that the Little Caesar's down the road from my pad has the deal of a lifetime: 1 medium cheese/pepperoni pizza and 1 pkg of Crazy bread for $6.25. The problem with this bargain is that after you've had 3/4 of the pizza and the entire batch of breadsticks, you feel less like a content connoisseur and more like a penniless savage that's waiting for seconds in the Thanksgiving Soup line near Skid Row - probably with an equivocal amount of nausea and dizziness. Fuck all that-- Make your own damn pizza!

Head to the market and get a bag of pizza dough. Most places have them; you just have to look. If not, check out the worldwide internet for a recipe. Roll it out with maybe an empty wine bottle. Then, you gotta do the pizza-toss thing that they do in an actual pizzaria - it's the only way to get the pizza crust thin enough. Lay it on a cookie sheet, and then spread a THIN layer of pizza/marinara sauce. Cut up white mushrooms in slices and toss with olive oil balsamic vinegar sauteed on medium until they're soft. Optional sausage to be added in here.


Grab a house slave or dinner guest and have them grate an entire block of mozzarella, and spread it atop the pie.


Slice fresh basil and tomatoes and layer atop cheese. Season with garlic powder (if you have it), salt, pepper, Greek seasoning or something Italian-y.


Pop in the oven until the cheese is bubbly and turning golden brown. Use the temperature setting designated to your specific pizza dough - I think it's 400. Enjoy - F Little Caesar's.



UPDATE: Divide the pizza dough into three parts and roll to make pizza rolls!

Healthy in the Holidays: Roasted Veg and Chicken

I know you're all trying to skip the sides and kick the carbs in between holiday face-stuffings, so here's medley that'll temporarily abate your plate from unhealthy fixings.

Those little tiny squash might be hard to find; and you may want to swap the chicken for beef or some tofu product-- but the carrots are good for night vision, so hang on to 'em. Chunk everything so it's about the same size and scatter into a glass casserole dish. Drench with olive oil, salt, pepper, seasoned salt, and maybe some type of special sauce: I used Soy Vay (this Jewish-made teriyaki), but you can do like a Worchestershire combo or wine/balsamic vinegar. Roast in the oven at 400 for about 45 minutes or so (or until the chicken's done in the middle). Skip the rolls, rice, noodles and potatoes 'cause you'll have plenty around Xmas.



I used: chicken, broccoli, carrots, rosemary, olives, garlic, mushrooms, and baby zucchini/sqaush.

Not Zucchini Bread

I made some pumpkin bread for my new neighbors-- one of them with a questionable gender-- to welcome them to the house, have a leg-up on karma, and basically let them know that we're cool and all. It's something I hadn't done with the other tenants in our 4-plex, and I'm tired of ducking behind the curtains any time one of them walks by. We wrote a little note that said something like "welcome to the house. here's some pumpkin bread - best with butter." Even though it's super cheezy idea altogether, they loved it and thanked us twice for the zucchini bread. Despite the fact that they can't read, I feel a little better about our awkward coexistence.

Recipe yields two loaves:

3 c. flour, sifted
1 tsp. salt
2 c. sugar
2 tsp. soda
2 c. pumpkin (or 1 can)
1 c. oil
4 eggs, beaten
1/2 c. water
3 tsp. pumpkin pie spice (or 1 each of cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice.)
1 c. walnuts (optional)



Mix dry ingredients in large bowl forming a well in the middle. Then stir in eggs, water, oil, then pumpkin. Divide batter between two greased/floured bread pans and bake at 350 degrees for 45-50 minutes.



Though I used the can this time, it's only about an extra three hours in prep time if you want to carve the pumpkins, toast the seeds, and use baked pumpkin meat instead of the can. Toss the cleaned seeds with seasoned salt, garlic powder, tabasco, and worcestershire sauce and bake at 400 for 15-20 minutes. Something like that.

White Corn/Blackbean Salsa

Finally something on the lighter end of the spectrum. This healthy throw-together is great to eat with chips, serve on tacos, or shovel as salad. It yields an endless bowl.

The ingredients:

Roughly 1/4 c. chopped green onions
About the same amount or more of chopped cilantro
2-3 cloves chopped garlic
juice from 1 lime
1 chopped jalapeno
2 cans white (shoepeg) corn, drained
2 cans black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can Rotel diced tomatoes
1 small can green chilies
Salt, pepper, seasoned salt

Combine together with a fork. Best tasting after it's been chilled.

The Thing w/Coconut

Everyone's got their own versions of brownies and bars. This thing is kind of a compilation of many of those variations with, as always, budget and mobile motivation in mind. I just so happened to have some almonds and coconut - so that's what you get. This recipe, specifically, is also a variation of some chess cake that's in my grandmother's cookbook - just with a larger pan. Either way, it's a good, quick fix. Make it how you like it.

The recipe:

1 box yellow cake mix
1 stick softened butter
1 beaten egg
1 8oz. bar softened cream cheese
1 tsp. vanilla or lemon extract
1 lb. box powdered sugar
3 eggs

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease bottom of large jelly roll pan (or cookie sheet with at least 1-inch sides on it). In one bowl, combine cake mix, butter, and beaten egg. After blending with fork or hands, press evenly into pan building the dough about an inch on sides of pan; be patient.




In another bowl, combine cream cheese, vanilla or lemon flavor, powdered sugar and three eggs. This is where you can throw in a slew of pantry extras like coconut and sliced almonds like I did.


Pour into pan over the crust and spread evenly. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Lower the heat to 325 and bake for an additional 30 minutes or until top becomes golden.



Note how quickly they vanish.

Mexican Cornbread

Man, how often do you pick up a box of Jiffy Cornbread Mix? Let me tell you --- not often enough! If you did, you'd realize that this 59 cent purchase could take you to places you've never been - places reminiscent of grandma's kitchen or perhaps San Antonio, Tx. That's right, we're having Tex-Mex again.

The best part about this dish, though, is that it essentially covers most of the food pyramid in one pie slice. Chomp on some field greens and you're set for the night. Likewise, cut more scanty slices, and it's an all-in-one appetizer that no one else would ever imagine bringing to the party. Oddly great for breakfast and loves to sit in the fridge for a while. Best $8 spent this month.


Mexican Cornbread:

1 lb. ground beef
1 pkg. Taco mix
1 box cornbread mix
1 c. cheddar cheese, grated
1 jalapeno
1 onion, chopped
1 can cream style corn


In a heavy skillet, cook onion and meat together until onion is soft and meat is brown. Add taco mix and jalapeno. Set aside. In small bowl, mix cornbread mix according to directions on box, adding in the can of corn. Grease the sides of an 8X8 pan with a little oil. Pour half of the cornbread mix, then layer the meat. Cover with grated cheese and add the remaining cornbread mix. Bake at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes.

Peanut Butter Pizza

Typical munchy ingredients have never tasted better than in the following PTA-mom classic. In fact, it was in the fourth grade that I last tasted this treat. My mom had volunteered to conduct some sort of mind-numbing dessert luncheon to celebrate the success of a likewise mind-numbing, mass-student, elementary accomplishment. Though it's one of the easiest desserts to make, the blockhead moms of my classmates managed to come up with a number of sub-par variations. If you screw this one up, consider yourself doomed.

The recipe:

1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. softened butter
1/2 c. peanut butter
1 pkg. chocolate chips
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 egg
1 1/2 c. flour
2 c. miniature marshmallows

In large bowl, combine sugar, brown sugar, butter, peanut butter, vanilla and egg. Blend well, then stir in flour. Hand-press dough onto large cookie sheet or pizza pan, forming a rim along the edge.

Bake at 375 degrees for 10 minutes. Remove from oven and sprinkle with marshmallows, and chocolate chips. Continue baking for 5 to 8 minutes or until marshmallows are lightly brown. Cool and cut into wedges and serve. I obviously don't have a pizza pan.

Smoke Da Okra

In the deep and dirty South, okra is kind of a staple delicacy. Every KFC and fried food hashery has some form or another - usually fried and served with ketchup or gravy. This was the first time I tried what I've been told is the best way to eat them this summer.

Rinse the okra in a colander and sprinkle with olive oil, seasoned salt, fresh black pepper, and about a tablespoon of finely chopped garlic. Toss it all together and stack side by side onto skewers on grill for just a few minutes on each side.


Pork on the grill is kind of self-explanatory. Dust it with your best seasonings and no sauce - I use a combination of dry poultry rub and beef rub because pork seems to be somewhere in the middle. Marinades and sauces cause unnecessary char and the grill to become ablaze, at least from my personal experiences.

Another trick to getting tender pork by getting the grill really hot. Sear both sides of the meat while the grill is scalding, turn it down and add the skewers of okra cooking an additional 10 minutes or so, all together, turning skewers and meat only once.

To finish a well-rounded and healthy meal, I added a can of Rotel (diced tomatoes and green chilies) to the complimentary amount of water needed for preparation with two small yellow rice packages. See below for Raspberry Chipotle Sauce recipe.





Just down the street from my house is Super King - a giant, Armenian-run grocery store that has a surplus of fresh produce and deli options at phenomenally low prices. For instance, this entire meal cost $14 and provided plenty - 4 chops, 4 ribs, 6 skewers, rice, and the following recipe. Besides the constant mobs of irate Armenians, this market (that also sells Hookahs) has a drawback in comparison to your local Ralph's or Von's: no ready-made, USA-label, packaged and prepared foods like Campbell's soup, Easy-Mac, or any kind of raspberry chipotle sauce. So I made my own.

Raspberry Walnut Chipotle Sauce:

In a small chopper, add 1/2 small white onion, 1 clove of garlic, 2 small chipotle or like peppers, and 1/4 c. walnuts, and chop. If you don't have one, they're pretty easy to find at a thrift store and worth the $3 for saving man power and your hand muscles. If not, grab a knife.

Toss chopped goods in a small but thick saucepan with about a tablespoon of olive oil and a pinch of salt and pepper and cook on medium-high heat until onions are caramelized. Add one pint of raspberries and cook until soft - about 3 minutes. Then, add 2 Tbsp. vinegar, 1/4 c. sugar, and a scoop of apricot preserves (optional - because I had it).

Turn heat to a low simmer and cook down for about 10 more minutes. Let cool before serving. Also great to serve with cream cheese and crackers or with other meats. Keep refrigerated.

Strawberry Jello Bundt Cake: Fill the hole with goodness

I've requested this next cake as my birthday cake each year since about age 11. My mom always had no problem with this because, contrary to my brother's request of German Chocolate cake, it was cheap and easy to make - homogeneous to my blog. A twist on an old favorite, this cake packs the punch you can only expect when it includes a box of jello, a box of powdered sugar, a stick of butter, and a cup of oil. Get ready to unbutton your pants! - 'cause you're gonna need the room.


The cake:
1 box white cake mix
3 Tbsp. flour
1 sm. pkg. strawberry jello (dissolved in 1/2 c. water)
4 eggs
1 c. vegetable oil
1/2 pkg. frozen strawberries, thawed


Mix ingredients with mixer adding strawberries last. Bake in greased and floured cake at 350 degrees for amount of time on cake box (depending on the shape/size of pan(s) you use), or until toothpick comes up clean. Let cool then use mixer to make and top with icing.

The icing:

1 stick butter
1 pkg. powdered sugar
1/2 pkg. frozen strawberries, thawed


As you cut the cake, you will see the icing gush from the warm center. Spread freely according to taste.

Chip Crumb Casserole

Occasionally I find myself with several virtually empty, crumb-filled bags of tortilla chips -- too lazy to have thrown them out because they have a shelf life of about a year. There's really only two things I can imagine doing with these extras: add them in an egg scramble for Mexican Migas, or throw them in this following Tex-Mex casserole conglomerate.

Casserole:
1 cooked chicken
1 small package Spanish rice
1 can black beans
1 small can black olives
1 pint sour cream
1/2 c. grated cheese
Corn tortilla chip crumbs
fresh red or green salsa
salt/pepper and other seasonings



Cook rice on stove (about 20 minutes); shred meat off entire carcass of chicken, preheat oven to 350. When ready, butter sides and bottom of casserole dish and layer chip crumbs, black beans, some salsa, and shredded chicken. Season with salt, pepper, and seasoned salt. Then add cooked Spanish rice, cannabutter (optional), sour cream, more chip crumbs, then finally olives and grated cheese. Pop in preheated oven for about 20 minutes or until cheese is melted.



Update -- the following day I had a few visitors and whipped up these nachos with the leftover ingredients of the casserole (I had some full-sized chips as well).