Oooh fuuudge!

"Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!"

That's right--it's Christmas time. Even though we all want to be Scrooge's and sit around bitching about gift buying and family visiting, you know we'll just sit by a warm fire on one of our many vacation days off and watch, yet again, one of the million, late-night-insomniac showings of "A Christmas Story" while eating one of many various seasonal treats like the following. That's what Christmas is really all about; it's a time for relishing in prosaic memories and pastimes with Ralphie or Rudolph. Fudge! the holidays--rejoice its desserts.

The recipe:

5 c. sugar
1 1/3 sticks butter
1 can milk
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1 1/2 pkgs. semi-sweet chocolate chips
2-3 c. pecans
1 jar marshmallow cream
1 tsp. vanilla

In a large and heavy sauce pan, stir sugar, butter, and milk on med, med-high heat with a metal spoon--stir constantly. Once the liquid begins to bubble, set a timer and continue to boil/stir for 8 minutes exactly (you don't want it to be turning brown). Immediately, turn off the burner and stir in marshmallow cream and vanilla. Once melted, stir in chocolate chips then pecans. Pour into buttered glass casserole dishes (either 9X13 or two smaller ones). Let cool completely, cut into 1 1/2-inch squares, then refrigerate.

Queso Camarones

Oooo... it's getting cold out there--even in sunny LA. Why don't you warm yourself up with a bowl of this Southern/Cajun treat? It's no salad or rice cakes, in terms of 2000/cal/day diet. But you'll sleep well and fill out those jeans that were getting loose.

In a thick, large stock pot, saute on about 2 cups of sliced mushrooms, 1 sliced green pepper, 1 c. chopped celery, and 1/2 c. chopped green onions in a few tablespoons of butter until they're all a little soft.


Toss in about 1.5 pounds of peeled/deveined shrimp and season with salt, pepper, garlic, seasoned salt, and some kind of cajun seasoning--you should have one by now. Cook until shrimp is almost done.


Turn heat to low and add 1 can cream of mushroom soup, 1 can Rotel (diced tomatoes/green chilies), 1 can milk, and about a half block (8-12 oz.) of Velveeta (aka plastic). Stir until cheese is melted.


Serve over white rice.

Blonde Brownie

It's like a giant chocolate chip cookie but better. I took these to school one year in elementary school as birthday treats for the class. I saved a corner for my teacher who didn't eat with us and had to hang onto it all through recess, but I needed to kiss that ass. By the end of recess, it looked like somebody took a dump in a ziploc. So I made a friend try to give it to the teacher, but she refused. She obviously didn't know how great it was... bitch.

The recipe:

1 c. butter (soft)
1 c. brown sugar
1 c. white sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla

Mix well, then add:
2 c. + 4 Tbsp. flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. soda
1 c. pecans (optional)
12 oz. pkg. semi-sweet chocolate chips

Bake at 350 in 9X13 pan for 30 minutes.

Make Your Own Damn Pizza!

I'm not gonna hide the fact that the Little Caesar's down the road from my pad has the deal of a lifetime: 1 medium cheese/pepperoni pizza and 1 pkg of Crazy bread for $6.25. The problem with this bargain is that after you've had 3/4 of the pizza and the entire batch of breadsticks, you feel less like a content connoisseur and more like a penniless savage that's waiting for seconds in the Thanksgiving Soup line near Skid Row - probably with an equivocal amount of nausea and dizziness. Fuck all that-- Make your own damn pizza!

Head to the market and get a bag of pizza dough. Most places have them; you just have to look. If not, check out the worldwide internet for a recipe. Roll it out with maybe an empty wine bottle. Then, you gotta do the pizza-toss thing that they do in an actual pizzaria - it's the only way to get the pizza crust thin enough. Lay it on a cookie sheet, and then spread a THIN layer of pizza/marinara sauce. Cut up white mushrooms in slices and toss with olive oil balsamic vinegar sauteed on medium until they're soft. Optional sausage to be added in here.


Grab a house slave or dinner guest and have them grate an entire block of mozzarella, and spread it atop the pie.


Slice fresh basil and tomatoes and layer atop cheese. Season with garlic powder (if you have it), salt, pepper, Greek seasoning or something Italian-y.


Pop in the oven until the cheese is bubbly and turning golden brown. Use the temperature setting designated to your specific pizza dough - I think it's 400. Enjoy - F Little Caesar's.



UPDATE: Divide the pizza dough into three parts and roll to make pizza rolls!